You specifically remember an argument with a loved one. However, your interlocutor claims that the scene never took place. Little by little, a doubt may arise: “Did I really imagine all this?” It is precisely this type of questioning that gaslighting can provoke. This term refers to a form of psychological manipulation which consists of repeatedly distorting or denying the perception, memories or emotions of another person, until leading them to doubt their own reality. “It’s about creating confusion in order to gain power and control,” therapist Shannon Thomas tells HuffPost.
A phrase like “This never happened” does not, by itself, mean that you are a victim of gaslighting. What should be most alarming is the repetition of such statements and the doubt that they end up giving rise to in you. If in doubt, the experts cited by HuffPost recommend paying attention to the following formulations and repeating patterns.
“This never happened”
When someone says hurtful things or engages in harmful behavior and then later denies that it happened, it can gradually undermine one’s trust in one’s own perception. As social worker specializing in trauma Lisa Ferentz explains, people confronted with this type of situation can end up doubting their memories, their feelings and their intuition, to the point of increasingly adopting the version of the facts presented by the other.
“You’re too sensitive.”
You explain to your interlocutor that a comment or behavior hurt you. Rather than recognizing your feelings, he tells you that you are exaggerating or that you are taking things too seriously. According to psychotherapist Beverly Engel, this type of reaction can, over time, lead a person to doubt their own perceptions and the legitimacy of their emotions. When this self-confidence weakens, it also becomes more difficult to set limits and protect yourself from other hurtful behaviors.
“You are crazy – and the others think the same”
The manipulation can go even further when those around you are presented as sharing the same point of view. Phrases such as “Everyone thinks you’re exaggerating” can cause the person to further doubt their own perception and feel isolated. According to Lisa Ferentz, gaslighting can also involve an attempt to influence those around you against the targeted person. This strategy reinforces her isolation and can make her fear not being believed or understood by others.
“You just have a bad memory.”
It is entirely possible for two people to have different memories of the same conversation, especially when it was not recorded. However, according to Shannon Thomas, the situation becomes worrying when one person regularly repeats, in different contexts, that the other simply misremembers facts or details. We can all forget certain elements of a conversation, but in the case of gaslighting, this natural uncertainty is repeatedly exploited to cause the person to deeply question their own memory and perception of reality.
“I’m sorry you think I hurt you.”
At first glance, this type of wording may seem like an excuse. However, the person does not really recognize his responsibility for his behavior. According to clinical psychologist B. Nilaja Green, the blame is instead shifted to the person who was injured: it is no longer the behavior itself that is presented as problematic, but the way in which it is perceived or experienced. The person concerned may then end up thinking that they are overreacting, irrational or that they are simply too sensitive.
“You should have known how I was going to react.”
This type of sentence also helps shift responsibility. The targeted person finds himself not only held responsible for his own behavior, but also for the reaction provoked in the other. According to Shannon Thomas, gaslighting consists of distorting reality so that the manipulative person can avoid taking responsibility for the consequences of their own actions. By reproaching the other for not having been able to anticipate his reaction, the responsibility for it is ultimately also attributed to him.
How to recognize gaslighting patterns
Gaslighting is not limited to a few isolated sentences or remarks. It can also manifest itself through different strategies, such as discrediting a person among those around them, tirelessly repeating the same accusations or even alternating between moments of closeness and phases of devaluation. The key thing to consider is the repetition of these behaviors: When someone regularly, over a long period of time, causes you to question your own perception, memory, or judgment, this may be a sign of a true gaslighting pattern.
B. Nilaja Green recommends not immediately questioning or minimizing one’s own emotions just because another person considers them unwarranted. It can also be helpful to keep messages and emails, as well as write down certain conversations. These traces allow us to take a step back and better understand situations over time.
Lisa Ferentz advises not to try to convince a manipulative person by multiplying arguments. In this type of situation, it may be more beneficial to turn to a trusted person with whom you can communicate freely. A psychotherapist can also provide valuable support and help the person concerned to take a step back and regain confidence in their own perception.
