A CSS study, relayed in particular by La Liberté (4.11), notes that the number of Swiss who use artificial intelligence conversational agents to submit their health problems has doubled in one year. 42% of them now use these tools to self-diagnose.
At the same time, around the world, there are more and more cases of users who die following the advice of machines, not to mention those who are driven to suicide or who orchestrate their death thanks to AI. As there is no point in trying to dissuade people from using robots since it is free, let us at least try to classify the different services according to their medical effectiveness. We tested all of these AIs by subjecting them to the same cold symptoms.
Doctor ChatGPT. Hands down the most polite of the artificial doctors we consulted. Which is his only quality, because for the rest, he sees in our runny nose the signs of brain cancer and on his own initiative makes an appointment for us in oncology. Helpful, but grossly inadequate. Patient’s chance of survival: 67%.
Doctor Claude. Much was expected of Anthropic’s AI, reputed to be more ethical than the others. And indeed, it finds less serious diseases for us than ChatGPT. But she finds a little too much. In bulk: psoriasis, stiff neck, frostbite, chapped lips, scoliosis, and even a broken leg. It then offers to treat all of this using dozens of very expensive treatments taken directly from its database of advertisers. Chances of survival: 49%.
Doctor Siri. The AI crashes when giving us its opinion. No matter, a Californian junior systems engineer from Apple that we are asking for is kindly taking over. He also has access to all our private health data. He knows nothing about medicine, but after consulting Google’s Gemini AI, advises us to drink a liter of bleach. Chances of survival: 22%.
Doctor Grok. Elon Musk’s Nazi AI quickly abbreviates the anamnesis to assure us that the illness is of little importance and that all that matters are its causes. Namely foreigners, wokes and communists. He then claims that our healing depends on our ballot, suggesting to us what and for whom to vote in the next ten cantonal and federal elections. Finally, he recalls that with his masters in power, the concentration camps would be filled with free guinea pigs, which is the key to new innovative treatments. Chances of survival: 9%.
Doctor GovGPT. The Confederation’s AI diagnoses us with a road accident, prescribes us a Dafalgan and nineteen years of sick leave, then triples our insurance premiums. Chances of survival: 1%.
* 33 in binary. LProfessor Junge is a fictional character, there is no need to make an appointment…
This text and this drawing can be found with a host of others in issue 728 of “Vigousse”, the little French-speaking satirist, on newsstands (or in the mailbox, for subscribers) every Friday.
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